A Road Map to Successfully Interacting with the Infertile

Let’s talk about infertility.

If you have never experienced infertility, this might make you uncomfortable. You might squirm in your seat. You might have the urge to reassure me with a “I can feel it’s going to happen for you soon!” or to soothe with, “At least the trying is fun!” or maybe you will even think to yourself, “I should tell her the story of so and so who I know who got pregnant just as she was giving up!” When I start to talk about my particular journey, it may make you sad and you may want to comfort me when you hear about my miscarriage with, “At least it was early!” or “Well, that baby probably had some problems and would have had special needs, so it was a blessing in disguise.” Believe me, I know it is hard to hear and read about these sad things happening to people, so if you want to look away, it is ok. I will not judge you. However, if it is not too sad and you want to stay and you feel in your heart that you should say any of the things I mentioned above, I will make this journey much, much easier for you and give you a sort of guide, a Road Map for Interacting with the Infertile if you will.

1.       Do not under any circumstances say any of the things I mentioned above. If you are thinking of saying something else that resembles one of the things above, please do not say that either. Believe me, I know it is hard not to say any of these things. Before I personally was one of the Infertile, I said the above things and people were kind to me when I said those things to them and I still quietly ask for their forgiveness in my heart. You see, being one of the Infertile is hard. Really hard. Honestly, I do not know why I want to have a baby. I just really freaking do. And it makes me super sad that I cannot. Because reasons. And I do not need to know the reasons. They just exist. So, saying the above things makes me sadder. Because reasons.

2.       Please do not try to school me on the various options for growing my family. There are so many reasons why this is not a good idea. Unless you are my husband, you do not have access to my bank account and therefore, you are blissfully unaware of my financial status. The vast, vast majority of options outside of traditional “woman and man have sex and have baby” for growing my family are out of my reach financially. I know that maybe you heard some options were less expensive than others and that is great! Guess what: I know about those options! Y’all, we have scraped the barrel of the various ways in which people get babies and children. I swear to God, you are not bringing to my attention a way I have not heard of. There is adoption from foster care, fostering to adopt, domestic infant adoption, private adoption, invitro fertilization, embryo adoption/donation, international adoption, and on and on and on. There are even shady as hell Facebook groups where people put up their older children they no longer want for adoption and it is HORRIFYING. I promise you that I have looked into all kinds of ways. And considered all kinds of ways. And considered my life and my marriage and what both of those look like and consulted with my husband and decided ways that do and do not work for us. Additionally, I have the added bonus of ACTUALLY BEING A SOCIAL WORKER. I have worked for the state and within various steps of the process of adoption. I know of what I speak.

3.       Within the same vein, until you have walked this road, you do not get the judge the ways in which people grow their families. Let me say that again. YOU DO NOT GET TO JUDGE THE WAYS IN WHICH PEOPLE GROW THEIR FAMILIES. Y’all, this is a freaking hard decision. Doing any of the above named things is freaking hard. Wouldn’t consider IVF yourself? Thank God you never had to. Cannot imagine adopting? Congratulations on having fully functioning reproductive organs so you do not need to use your imagination. Think embryo adoption/donation is ridiculous when there are so many kids waiting for a home? Great, go start your own damn blog and let people know. Better yet, go adopt some of those children! Or volunteer with them! Or do anything you can to help them in some way instead of just sanctimoniously waving your bullshit opinions in my face! Judging like this, saying these things to people who are facing a situation about which you know nothing, it is fucking rude. I will not apologize for using profanity and getting pissed when I talk about this. Stop being fucking rude to people. Stop it right now.

4.       If you are one of the people reading this blog who knows me and loves me and you are pregnant or have children and you are thinking to yourself, “Oh Lord, I’ve hurt her by talking about my baby or my children and I can’t do that anymore,” STOP IT RIGHT NOW. I freaking love you! And I love your children! And I LOVE that you are the one having them and raising them because you are freaking awesome! Just stop it right now. The two are unrelated and that is a fact. Additionally, you know you will never have to wonder what I think, so if I need to take a step back or let you know that my ugly jealous side is getting the best of me and I need to take a break from talking about your baby and maybe talk about something else, I will definitely tell you. And there is no need to feel bad about that! It is ok! We are humans being vulnerable and we step on each other’s toes and we figure it out along the way. Nothing is irrevocably broken.

So what are some good things to say to us Infertiles?

“Man, that must be so hard! You two sure are some strong people.”

“I know that getting there is hard, but I am so excited that two awesome people want to become parents!”

“Would you like to get coffee and talk about it?”

“I just know that when it happens for you two, you will be great parents.”

“Please do not feel like you have to downplay the difficulty in this journey. It does not make me uncomfortable and even though I do not understand how it feels, I love you and I can imagine it is really hard. How can I help you feel better?”

And that is all it takes, people! That is how you do it! As usual, with a heart of vulnerability and by practicing empathy and drawing on the love you feel for that person, you too can interact successfully with the Infertile.