Taking stock

I've now made it to the middle of the fourth week and I'm feeling the need for some reflection. I've always heard it takes a month to form a new habit, but that hasn't really been my experience in other areas of my life. Lasting change takes much longer for me, but I think there's a need to go back and evaluate motives for change to keep the drive to continue. So, here it is.

The Good...
- I have much more energy than I used to. I'm not constantly riding sugar highs and lows or falling asleep halfway through the day. I'm able to focus for longer periods of time and more consistently.
- I seem to have come to the point where I actually enjoy green smoothies. The trick for me is fresh mint and some red pepper for sweetness. I actually enjoy my green smoothie each morning and end up feeling full without the heaviness that traditionally comes with a big breakfast.
- I feel good about cultivating some self control in this area of my life. I feel powerful when I'm able to take control of what I put in my mouth and say no to what I know will make me feel, quite frankly, like crap. On Sunday, the roommate and I went in search of sugar free frozen yogurt at one of those get it yourself and add your own toppings place. I ate a little bit and a couple hours later, almost fell asleep driving home. The crash was impossible to ignore. I said no to cheating and having some sugar tonight because I was going to a movie and I knew I would fall asleep in the middle. And I said NO! ME! Turns out, I have the ability to say no! That feeling of saying no to something I know will make me feel like crap is pretty bitchin all by itself.
- Y'all, EVERYTHING IS SWEET! It's creepy, really. Raw almonds are a dessert. The other night when I had a sweet tooth, I snacked on red pepper and it was fixed. I've really started to taste the natural sweetness in stuff and it's pretty great, actually.

The Bad...
- I haven't lost any weight and though this is not the reason I started this whole thing, it is a little disappointing.
- I'm torn about whether this is a good thing or not, but there's a difference in the way I seem to be viewed by some people. Wait, now that I write that, I'm not thinking it's such a good thing. I either get a "why the hell are you doing that?!" reaction, a "here's a helpful tip!!" reaction, a "well I really only eat fruit/agave/'natural sugar' and you really don't need to cut that out! Everything in moderation!" reaction, or someone who really doesn't care. Honestly, I come across the not caring attitude a lot less than I thought. Everyone seems to have an opinion about what I'm doing. I don't always mind. Sometimes the tips really are helpful. I think it's odd how concerned people are with what goes in someone else's body and I think it has more to do how they feel about their own eating habits and food in general. Strangely, some people seem to respect me more and take me more seriously than they used to. This I find to be genuinely weird and off-putting. I don't have to tell you that our society puts a HUGE emphasis on what a woman eats, what she looks like, and how much she weighs, then proceeds to base the sum total of her worth on those factors. I'm angry that the fact that I don't eat sugar somehow warrants more respect than many other things that I do with my life. It's like I'm finally paying attention to what I really should have been paying attention to all along as a woman. There's also this weird idea that healthy eating is somehow a mark of enlightenment and emotional well-being, when there are a billion other factors in what someone eats. Turns out healthy eating does not make one a superior human being.
- Sugar free does not automatically equal healthy. I tend to get so excited when I find sugar free snacks and I can go a bit overboard. And twice I just NEEDED something sweet and broke down and got sugar free pudding and knowing how bad artificial sweeteners are, I felt like it might have been better just to have the sugar.
- It's hard to order at restaurants, which I do a lot because it's a way my friends and I socialize. That's changed a bit, but I'm still a Southerner. We relate with food in front of us, so I've had to just go with food that normally would not have sugar. I'm not sure it's always been sugar free, but all I can do is try.

This has been an interesting time in my life to try out such a big diet change. Tomorrow is my last graduate school class. I'm looking for my first real big girl career job. I'll likely be putting my stuff in storage and couch-hopping starting the end of next month. A letter with an unrealistic plan for paying back my staggering amount of student loan debt arrived yesterday and I've realized I've arrived in adulthood. These are all situations that would normally send me running for chocolate. I feel like I've had to come to terms with stress without food as a crutch, which is important to learn.

All things considered, I'm damn proud of myself. And slap happy this whole thing is almost half over.

The dreaded third week

Last Sunday, the week I'd been dreading since the first day I started this whole thing arrived: the week of absolutely no sugar. People, this is where it gets serious. And I have really been dreading this. And I'm almost afraid to write this, lest it call down more cravings, but...I thought it would be harder. I mean, don't get me wrong. This afternoon, all I could think about was chocolate cake and then the ice cream truck drove around my neighborhood for a good half hour and it was all I could do not to lean out the window and yell very bad words at the ice cream man, but I promise it's usually not like that. Normally I'm quite civilized.

I was listening this morning to an episode of This American Life called "My Own Worst Enemy". For the introduction, Ira (yes, we're on a first name basis. I'm a true NPR nerd.) was interviewing people who routinely eat foods they're severely allergic to. Y'all, there was a woman who ends up in the hospital after popcorn and eats it bimonthly, a man who keeps an epi-pen nearby because he can't keep the shellfish that makes his face puff up and closes his throat out of his mouth and a woman who spends the night in the bathroom twice a week after pizza. My first reaction was to judge these people fairly harshly. Ok, "fairly harshly" is an understatement. I was disgusted and seriously suggest these people seek professional help. And then I began to wonder if these people are really all that different from me even a month ago.

I'm an intelligent person. I grew up with parents who refused to let my sisters and I eat cereal for breakfast, who bought local grass-fed beef, and who taught be how to cook from scratch. Obviously, it wasn't perfect. I've got more than my fair share of food neuroses (like you didn't know that. There's a whole blog here devoted to it, people). Honestly, I'm not sure I know anyone who doesn't have food neuroses. This is America. BUT I did grow up on better food than much of the United States. And my dad is a chiropractor and knows about nutritional supplements and and and...really, there was no reason to be treating my body the way I did. So knowing everything I knew, was I really all that different from the people who knew full well the consequences of what they were putting in their mouths and continued to eat food that would make them sick?

I'm not trying to get preachy or trying to suggest that this is everyone's experience. My epiphanies are my own and apply only to me, but here is my epiphany: if I know it's bad for me, I really shouldn't eat it. I KNEW what sugar was doing to me. This was not a revelation that came upon me when I started this crazy experiment. I KNEW better. I just didn't want to do anything about that. And now, I'm having to face up to what I've been eating and all my weird emotional stuff about food and re-define what food actually is to me. Seems straightforward, but stay tuned. That's not a one post kind of discussion.

So the lesson of the day? Well, now that I've read this over, it seems I've outlined an argument for continuing my sugar-free lifestyle past the eight weeks I first agreed to.

Aw, crap.

The milkshake that did NOT bring all the boys to the yard

I woke up on Friday morning and decided that I was finally ready to try a green smoothie. Y'all, this is completely not my thing. I do not like yoga or poetry. Rarely if ever do I feel a connection with all living things. I'm annoyed by soothing voices and up until two weeks ago, I routinely ate half a pizza in an evening. Drinking a green smoothie was not on my to-do list. However, I've decided to quit sugar. That's just one step away from making my own granola and hand-feeding deer. It's safe to assume I'm going to be eating a lot of things I never thought I would.

First, what the hell is a green smoothie? It was kind of difficult to find an actual definition. Those I did find ranged from including things like dandelion leaves and other things I have literally never heard of to a fruit smoothie with some lettuce thrown in. The best definition and how-to video I found is from my friend Sara's blog (yoga goddess and all-around bad ass and yet still grounded when it comes to this type of thing). I've been struggling to find something to eat for breakfast that gets me full, doesn't have sugar, and takes a little less time than sitting down to eggs and bacon.

I looked for recipes for green smoothies for a long time, but couldn't seem to find any that didn't include fruit. As previously discussed, the sugar in fruit is still sugar. It's the same sugar you find in honey, agave, raw sugar, and Coke. After becoming frustrated with the lack of sugar free recipes, I decided that I had green things in my refrigerator and if I threw them in a blender, the result would be a green smoothie, whether it was the "right" recipe or not. To those of you who may consider doing this (Why? Just, why? Come on, guys! Isn't this blog enough warning??) I don't recommend it. If I could go back, I would begin my green smoothie adventure on week one and gradually wean myself off the fruit. Oh well. C'est la vie.

My first green smoothie included broccoli, kale, walnuts, and unsweetened coconut milk. I've also become a little obsessed with yogurt since reading about all the lovely health benefits, so I threw some of that in too (yeah, don't do that).

The result? Um...yeah, not so much. Honestly, it wasn't bad, it just wasn't good. It was definitely a new taste, but I didn't dislike it. Next time I will not be adding yogurt, as it kind of gives the whole thing a tangy taste, of which I was not so fond. Overall though, I had not felt as healthy eating food as I had in a LONG time. It was just so freaking fresh! And a really pretty green! I kind of feel like I have a new found food mission to conquer green smoothies. I just think there's got to be a way to make them more edible without adding sugar. And damnit, I'll find that way.

As usual, I roped roommate into jumping in with me. She was less than enthused.

The thing about drinking the smoothie was that I immediately felt full and I felt full for about three hours at which point I went from full to STARVING without any feeling in between. I compared notes with the roommate later that evening and she said she had the same experience. A little weird, but I'm willing to research to figure that out.

Overall, not the most unpleasant experience I've had and definitely much faster than my other breakfast ideas. I think this may be the beginning of something wonderful...or the beginning of my descent into yogic, karmic, earth-loving, personality change, but let's hope not.

So this is weird...

After falling off the wagon yesterday, there are 33 animals who are extremely disappointed in me. And I am a little disappointed in myself.

It started with blackberry jam, perhaps one of my very favorite things. And we're not talking about pure fruit preserves. We're talking fruit and tons of high fructose corn syrup...12 grams of sugar in each delicious tablespoon, to be precise. To clarify, the plan says an adult woman should have no more than 6 teaspoons of sugar each day and 4 grams of sugar=1 teaspoon. Therefore, half my daily sugar intake was consumed before 9am. And then, around noon, I started to miss sugar too much and I snacked on the sugar covered shredded wheat cereal that remains in my apartment as a relic of my pre-sugar free life simply because throwing away food makes me feel guilty, even if it is bad for me. And then, because I was tired of feeling deprived and figured that after the jam and cereal (the horrors!) there was no use in sticking to the no sugar rule for the rest of the day. Because, you know, if I drop my phone on the ground, I should probably smash it into a million pieces. As previously discussed, I live in extremes.

And then something weird happened. I realized that as the day went on, the jam and cereal were enough. I did not seek out cookies or ice cream or a sugary frapaccino when I went to get my daily coffee that afternoon. Instead, I snacked on some nuts and a little cheese and though I did have some salsa when I went out to Mexican food last night, that was enough too. And I woke up this morning, had some protein for breakfast and completely ignored the jam. It was a passing thought that some jam might be nice, but then it was over. And when I went to coffee, I ordered my latte with one splenda and didn't even glance at the pastries. And right this minute is perhaps the first time since I started this whole thing that I do not want a cookie. They are right over there at the bagel shop where I'm writing, but I don't want them.

This may not last forever. Perhaps, when my afternoon snack time rolls around, I'll be fantasizing about a chocolate shake, but right at this moment, I am content and looking forward to eating the walnuts I packed instead.

Ok, so maybe I'll survive this whole thing after all. Perhaps there is life after chocolate.

If you give a Liz a cookie, you'll have to listen to a treatise on her feelings...

If I had any doubts as to whether I was a true sugar addict before I started this terrible experiment, allow me to relay the actual conversation I just had with my roommate:

(a little background: we were talking about a job I really want and my chances all day long)

Me: I really really REALLY WANT IT! AHHH!! (covers face and squeals a bit)

Roommate: Don't worry! You have a real chance! If it's meant to be, it will happen!

Me: I was talking about cookies!!

It's supremely embarrassing how badly I want to eat sugar. Like, any sugar. Like, I would eat sugar off the floor. Like, I would consider doing things I know are very wrong in return for chocolate. I'm trying to stave off the cravings, but it turns out celery is not made of chocolate.

So now, here on this very blog, I am owning it in order to conquer it: I am a sugar addict. And now I am in detox.

People, I am only half kidding. You can read about the dangers of sugar here and here and you can read about how addictive it is here. The toxicity and addictive qualities are not new concepts. This is just the first time that I personally have chosen to try to do something about it. I really don't plan on becoming one of those people who shoves my changes down the throats of others (especially given the fact that I would be dragging myself out to get the nearest cookies at this very moment if it weren't for this blog. There are obviously no lasting changes to speak of yet, y'all.) but unless you and I have met, you have no idea how BIG even the mere thought of doing something about this addiction is. The fact that I'm on week 2 without cracking and giving in is almost unbelievable.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I can attempt this and semi-succeed at the end of 8 weeks, then anyone in can do this. I know everyone says that, but y'all, I'm not lying. I now realize what I have not wanted to for some time: I am a sugar addict. I could not stop any time I wanted. And the cravings I'm feeling now are not all in my head.

Then again, neither is the fact that I am suddenly able to focus for more than an hour at a time. Or the fact that I am able to run on 6 hours of sleep when I used to wake up tired after 8. Or the fact that I don't need a nap at 3:00 every day.

So, I'll go back to eating walnuts instead in the hope that my silly self will appreciate the extra hours each day of alertness and, hopefully, the extra years on my life more than the taste of a chocolate chip cookie.

"Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby"

Well, I seem to have survived the first week and, with the exception of my splenda-sweetened lattes, one sprite, and a tiny Easter cookie a classmate brought to class (sabotage!), I've stuck to my rules for the week. I tried to find balance this week by cutting out added sugar. My diet was not all natural and whole foods. I gave into the craving for Taco Bell once, but, with the help of friends, resisted the urge to buy a cookie or supplement my meal with sweet tea. Things seemed to work much better when I was prepared. Having a tupperware full of celery sticks helped when I felt like I just had to munch on something and cooking food I could eat for breakfast the night before cut down on my desire to pick up a muffin on the way to work or class.

Today, the roommate and I got so desperate for something other than water to drink that we experimented by making Kool-Aid without sugar. For those of you who are wondering (um, NONE OF YOU. Who wants that??) Kool-Aid is gross. I mean, with sugar it’s gross, but without, I just don’t know what it is. It makes me realize how bad for you something must really be if it’s unbearable without sugar. I was not a kid who grew up with Kool-Aid and it's not something I drink now, so I didn't really need a lesson on how bad for you Kool-Aid is, but here it is none the less.

We also set out to find some of the things Sarah Wilson mentions in her book as substitutes she uses when she feels like she just has to have chocolate. We ended up with cacao nibs and a 100% cacao bar. Cacao nibs are basically pieces of cacao beans that have been hulled out and crushed up a bit. They're the first step in making chocolate. And they're terrible. Like, really awful. Like, eating coffee grounds. I'm not sure what she does with them because the impression I got from her book was that she just ate them. I'm not sure how because they're awful. Cacao nibs smell like chocolate and a tiny hint of the sweet stuff you love is there, but they're bitter and sour. Not at all what I was looking for. I'll have to look through her book and website to see if there are some recipes that make cacao nibs bearable.

While at Whole Foods, we tortured ourselves by looking through the ice cream in a vain attempt to find anything without sugar. I'm sure that this will change as time goes on, but at the moment, grocery shopping is an unpleasant activity. This sucks because I've always enjoyed grocery shopping and cooking. I really enjoy meal planning and finding new ingredients. Frankly, I really enjoy food. Right now, having to check all of the labels for anything that I might like to eat and finding out that sugar has been added to EVERYTHING is depressing. And people, I'm not someone who lived off of processed foods before. I didn't eat things that come out of a box or frozen meals. Sugar is in everything!

Regardless, I haven’t given up yet. I’ll be re-reading the second chapter of the book today in an effort to begin the next week on the right foot. Here’s to cutting down on cravings one day at a time!

4th day

Today is the 4th day of the first week. I've come to realize that balance is difficult for me. Let me explain.

I do things in extremes. I feel things in extremes. There are very few things about which I have no opinion or feelings and this seems to translate to every aspect of my life. In class this translates to my need to loudly voice my opinion about most every subject. In personal relationships, this leads to intense friendships that quickly become close or dramatically blow up. In my career, this translates to huge ideas about all the amazing things I will do or crippling fear of failure. In all honesty, I enjoy living my life this way. I enjoy having big feelings, big opinions, a loud voice, a distinctive laugh. I enjoy feeling things intensely and showing my love for people unabashedly. I enjoy filling a room with my personality and I love making people laugh with off the wall comments and jokes. I'm not saying it's always comfortable to live with a personality of extremes, but I do enjoy it.

Unfortunately, this translates to less than healthy eating habits. In a word, either I'm eating all the cupcakes or I'm not eating. I'm either eating the entire carton of ice cream or I've sworn off ice cream for all eternity. Thus, this first week plan of just "cutting down" has been a little difficult for me. When I meant to cut down, I went cold turkey, which has been a little difficult the past couple days.

At this point, I should probably point out that when I say "I'm going to quit sugar," I don't mean candy and desserts and coke or just added sugar. I mean I'm not eating tomato products or fruit. I mean I bought bread without sugar. I mean I'm not replacing regular foods with the "sugar free" version. I'm not using stevia and agave. I'm not eating sugar.

The pros of quitting cold turkey: the improvement in energy level is drastic and noticeable and you feel hard core and strong.

The cons of quitting cold turkey: the added guilt complex that comes with "slipping up," it requires sudden extra planning at every meal, and oh yeah I WANT TO BE HOOKED UP TO A SUGAR IV.

For the last two days, I noticed I didn't have that slump around 3:00. Work was noticeably more exciting and I was able to engage for much longer periods of time. I was actually damn impressive at work. And then after two days of going cold turkey, I wanted sugar so badly last night that I got a sprite after I worked out (classy, right?). And then I felt guilty.

So I went back to the book and read about this week. I tried to re-define what "cutting down" means in my life. It means that instead of buying a carton of ice cream on Monday night and finishing it with my roommate by Friday, I go out for a little bit of ice cream once this week. It means ordering my iced latte with one splenda instead of a shot of flavor and skipping the muffin. It means drinking a ton of water instead of hooking myself up to a sweet tea IV at lunch and continuing until bed. It means packing a turkey sandwich for lunch instead of grabbing fast food. It means telling myself I'm going to make chicken and rice for dinner instead of ordering pizza.

In short, cutting down is, in my mind, proportional to what I was doing before. Before, I ate all the cupcakes. Before, I had dessert all the freaking time. Before, I did not plan my meals and ate whatever I could get my hands on when I was hungry. Cutting down for me does not mean stopping all together. It means finding a little bit of balance. And in this one part of my life, I will strive to tread the middle ground.

TOMORROW

So, tomorrow I begin my experiment. Though I would like to follow the plan past the 8 weeks outlined in the book, it's easier for me to think about this as a little experiment. The first week merely requires that I start to "cut down" on sugar. I've come up with a few ways of my own.

1. I will only drink water and unsweetened tea starting tomorrow morning

2. I will limit dessert to a piece of fruit and only once a day.

3. I will start finding things to eat for breakfast that don't involve sugar, which means I will have to manage my time better each morning.

It occurs to me now that I may not have chosen the best time to undertake this experiment. On May 12th, I will be graduating with my Masters in Social Work. The next 8 weeks will be filled with transition and stress and honestly, numerous instances in which I would usually use sugar as an emotional crutch, coping mechanism, or a way to celebrate. In a way, I'm interested in seeing what creative activities I'll be able to come up with to fill that space. On the other hand, I'm wondering if I'm adding stress when I really don't need any more. At the end of the day, I think that anything I can do to improve my health is probably not a bad idea, regardless of timing.

So here's to the start of something good!